Acquired Agoraphobia
I may have a fear that scares me to have, but I know it's not legit and only restricted to the place I'm now in and the people here.
Agoraphobia is a fear of open places, and crowded areas such as the market.
I didn't think highly of it at first until I noticed how fast my pace became each time I went out alone, which is unusual given that before now you might be tempted to tie a rope to my neck and drag me like an animal to meet your pace -trust me, people have done this to me.
It wasn't just the fast movement.
Earphones are something I seldom use, but these days, when I do rarely go out, I do so with an earphone fixed in.
But like I said, this is nothing serious and I'm experiencing this partial fear only for a while and for reasons I'm familiar with.
Though another fear I have is that this partial fear might transform into something serious if I don't work hard to put it off…
There are two major reasons I suspect are responsible for how I feel.
- A broken heart
- Lost confidence.
It'll be my first time admitting my heart’s been broken.
Great! I'm on my way to healing completely.
It was supposed to be a relationship, but so not to feel hurt when it ends -cos I knew it would- I kept telling myself that we were messing around.
“It's just a fling”.
And though I knew it was going to end, I wanted it to end on good terms, cos we were friends -or so I thought- who wanted to know what it would be like to be more -and we found out- so I thought no matter what, we could still remain friends.
I thought wrong.
I don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of the whole situation, but he ended the relationship, fling or whatever it was we were really doing, and our friendship did not survive.
So I was heartbroken.
Heart broken because of how it ended and because how it ended proved that I was the only one in the friendship all along.
Having been abandoned by many “friends” before, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.
But…
Well, currently I don't know if he's still in this small town with me, but I can't help the battle that goes on in my head each time I step out, instictly checking on the riders of any black bike, if he's the one.
“I wish I would see him”
“God don't let me see him”
“What if he sees me and I don't see him?”
And so many more….
And with the way it ended, I admit I lost my confidence.
I look at myself in the mirror and I see a pretty face, but I question if it's pretty enough for others to see.
So there goes the origin of this partial agoraphobia.
There's definitely no hope of getting over it by staying indoors all the time, so I'll work hard to get rid of it before I lose myself completely.
