Quotes That Mold Life
In school one of the favorite quotes of every teacher was "The higher you go, the tougher it gets", especially when you get into a new class.
Even as I write, a popular picture frame comes to mind.
One in which an animated male character with a rock on his back climbs the slopes of a mountain, and just as the saying, it did get tougher as he got higher.
However, in school, I was always anticipating that tough moment.
I was nowhere close to the smartest kid in my class, I missed some classes because I was too lazy to bother, never raised my hand in class to ask or answer questions, but best believe, in test and exam halls I wrote solo.
Not because I was a prude, but because I hated to be embarrassed and asked to stand up for seeking help.
My grades never turned out great and honestly, I didn't mind much, well at least I stopped minding after my first carryover in my first year in uni.
I sure felt dumb, contemplated suicide, but never blamed anyone aside me, a good trait I've got btw, because I knew well that I hadn't applied myself.
In my second year, I suffered a self-diagnosed depression. At any chance I got to be alone, I cried and I prayed. Reason was because I didn't know who I was.
Oh, another popular quote used in school was "Man know thyself".
My mom always says "It is good for one to himself and where he comes from and carry himself as such".
In my second year, I didn't know any of that and it bugged me. A question that was repetitive at the time was "What purpose was I created for?"
I cried alone not because people didn't care or I had no one, I mean I could have easily called my mom or sisters or brother at least.
I cried alone because at a tender age I adopted the mindset that crying was weak. I can't honestly tell you how I came about that, but I've always rather cried to God than let another human like myself see my tears fall. It remains a humble brag.
I did get over my self-proclaimed depressed state without answers, but with a strong resolve to live on, and see what life has in store as I go higher.
School was never tough for me, regardless of my several carryovers.
What was tough was the battles I fought, away from the eyes of everyone I knew.
And when I came out from depression, I thought I had won. Killed my insecurities and walked bolder.
But I soon learned that the thing about self-discovery, as I believe was what I was going through also, is that it never ends, and it never gets easier.
And you cannot discover yourself if you assume the nature of someone else.
A modern day quote I love so much is "Authenticity is expensive", don't know who said it tho.
You know when people use the analogy "It's like looking at yourself in the mirror and forgetting instantly what you look like once you walk away from the mirror"?
I've been there.
The worst is not even seeing the image in the mirror.
For long I saw myself as fat and ugly, but taking a throwback to some pictures that I somehow still have, because I easily get rid of them, all I can say is: I was neither fat nor ugly.
I don't regret taking the healthy decision of exercising to get lean, but I wish I didn't think I was ugly.
In my life, I've only had the luxury of dating, once.
My mom is bothered by it, I act like I'm not, but it is a thing to worry about, especially since I look this good.
But like another popular quote says "It is the way you see yourself that others will see you".
I thought I was ugly, I probably acted ugly, so I was ugly to the eyes of anyone who cared to look.
These days, however, with my boosted esteem, I'd like to blame my consistency in staying indoors as to why I haven't found a mate, a fitting mate, yet.
This seems like a regular girl problem, doesn't it?
Well, I'll tell you another problem I've got.
I'm lazy, but at the same time a hard worker, quite the controversy, I know.
I'd like to say there isn't a job I haven't done, but that would be a flat-out lie, given that the only jobs I've ever done are: article writing, makeup, chaperoning, potato chips selling, press-on nails selling, and hair making
I don't know if you picked up on it, but I'm quite good with my hands, a knowledge I didn't have until last year.
But here's where the issue lies; I'm so talented, I still get surprised about this since it was one of the reasons I was depressed (lack of talent), but I worry that'll be all.
I don't want to be as talented as I am and not make a fuss with it.
It’ll be insane that once I cried because I thought I lacked talent and when I discover I have a lot, I do nothing with them.
So what do I do?
I apply myself. Unlike school, I can't miss a day of class.
How do I do this?
Currently, I have undertaken a challenge where I write and publish a poem every day for the rest of the year, so far we are down to day 12.
(you can check out all the poems on my Twitter - X account here).
It's not been easy, cos every day I question "Is this even poetry, let alone 'good poetry'? What's my aim in doing this? Who is my target audience and can this help me financially?"
All are valid questions and will have more validity if I can at least provide answers to them, no matter how weak.
I'll tell you another thing that bugs me: what people say.
Like my ugly girl era, I thought I was over caring about this, but every day, try as I can not to think about it, I imagine the sneer on the faces of my mates as they gather for tea and ask "What is she even doing?"
When you get to twenty everything about life acts like you're running out of time.
Twenty is like the biological clock for all genders and it sucks because that's literally the start of life.
From 1-19, you have people living your life for you, from 20 till whenever you stop is when you ought to live.
But like my very own quote says "What is supposed, isn't always what is", especially when you're Nigerian.
I won't get into that, given that I'm a lot more relieved than the time I started putting these words down.
I'll end this piece, which will perhaps be the first of many to come this year, with a poem:
The uncertainty of tomorrow is both a man's pain and pleasure
If he hoped for good news, he is impatient
If he thinks yesterday a better day, he wishes the sun never comes out
Yet, unless a courageous coward, he waits for dawn to affirm his suspicions
And if he is in the right,
He dances or cries
But if put wrong,
…he dances and cries.
